Over 40,000 Famous Quotes Sorted By Topic and Author

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked: "What happened to the flea?".

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

A five year old boy was sitting down to eat when his mother asked him to pray for his meal. He replied, "Mom we don't have to. We prayed over this last night." His mother had prepared leftovers from the day before.

A five year old was discussing Noah's Ark with Grandma. Grandma asked, "How many animals went into the Ark?" The youngster replied: "One mail and one e-mail.".

A flea and a fly in a flue were imprisoned so what could they do? Said the flea "let us fly" said the fly" let us flee" so they flew through a flaw in the flue.

A flying saucer was low on fuel, so it landed by a gas station on a lonely country road.On its side were the letters "UFO." The gas station attendant was stunned, but his curiosity got the best of him."Does that stand for Unidentified Flying Object?" he asked."No," one of the other-worldly travelers responds, "It stands for "Unleaded Fuel Only.".

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport."These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained."These fairways seem to be getting longer too," wheezed a second."And somehow, the sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember 'em too," said the third.Hearing just about enough from his buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the foursome at 87-years-old, piped up and said, "Oh my friends, just be thankful we're still on THIS side of the grass!".

A French guest, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper."Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge."Toilette pepper!".

A friend is one who knows who you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you become, and still gently invites you to grow.

A friend is someone that won't begin to talk behind your back when you leave the room.

A friend is someone who dances with you in the sunlight and walks beside you in the shadows.

A friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.

A friend is someone who thinks you're a good egg even though you're slightly cracked.

A friend to all is a friend to none.

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The pastor said, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" My friend said, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service.".

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

After hearing two eyewitness accounts of the same accident, you begin to wonder about history.

After the birth of their child, an Episcopal priest, wearing his clerical collar, visited his wife in the hospital. He greeted her with a hug and a kiss, and gave her another hug and kiss when he left. Later, the wife's roommate commented: "Your pastor is sure friendlier than mine.".

After the government takes enough to balance the budget, the taxpayer has the job of budgeting the balance.

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.".