Over 40,000 Famous Quotes Sorted By Topic and Author

An adolescent is a person who acts like a baby when they aren't treated like an adult.

An agnostic lay dying. He called his weeping child to his bedside and asked her to read to him the one text that hung on his wall. It contained a summary of his life's philosophy: GOD IS NOWHERE. The little girl began to read: "G-O-D: God; I-S: is; N-O-W: now; H-E-R-E: here. God is now here," she repeated. The mistake of the child led to her father's conversion.

An angry person is seldom reasonable; a reasonable person is seldom angry.

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away.But . . . an onion a day keeps everyone away.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by way of an usher. The note read: "Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety." Failing to observe the punctuation, the clergyman startled his audience by announcing: "Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.".

An educational system isn't worth a great deal if it teaches young people how to make a living but doesn't teach them how to make a life.

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.

An elephant is a mouse built to government specifications.

An English professor announced to the class; "There are two words I don't allow in my class. One is gross and the other is cool."From the back of the room a voice called out, "....... so, what are the words?".

An error doesn't become a mistake until you choose to ignore it.

A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the sky.Phychotic is the man who lives in it.And a psychiatrist collects the rent.

A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!" Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled." The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!".

Anger opens the mouth and shuts the mind.

An Internal Revenue inspector walks into a synagogue and asks to see the rabbi. He is shown to the rabbi's office and is offered a seat. "Rabbi, I believe a member of your synagogue, Mr. Klutz, states on his tax return that he has donated $100,000 to the synagogue. Tell me, Rabbi, is this correct?" The Rabbi answers, "Yes, he will.".

An obstacle is something you see when you take your eyes off the goal.

An old-timer is someone who remembers every detail of their life story, but cannot remember how many times they have told the same person.

An open mind does not always require an open mouth.

An optimist believes we live in the best of all worlds.A pessimist fears this is true.

An optimist laughs to forget, a pessimist forgets to laugh.