Over 40,000 Famous Quotes Sorted By Topic and Author

Most people want to serve God -- but only in an advisory capacity.

Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?" Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question." Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?" Son: "Who threw the eraser at the principal?".

Mrs. Squiffy decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant.""But you are not wearing any of those things." "I know," said Mrs. Squiffy. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry, and I want his new wife to go nuts looking for the jewelry.".

Murphy's Law isn't recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.

My aim is that when my hands will work no longer, that the works of my hands will still continue to keep on working.

My best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.

My "check engine" light came on the other day. I popped the hood, and looked, the engine is STILL there! Silly light . . .

My dog is very obedient, he does what he is bid. A sign said 'wet paint', and that's just what he did.

My face in the mirror Isn't wrinkled or drawn. My house isn't dirty. The cobwebs are gone. My garden looks lovely, And so does my lawn. I think I might never Put my glasses back on.

My five-year-old daughter was asked by her teacher what her father does, and she replied, "Whatever my Mom tells him to.".

My goal in life is to be the sort of person my dog thinks I am.

My house was clean last week.Sorry you missed it.

My love is like a cabbage, divided into two, The leaves I give to others but the heart I give to you.

My parents worked hard to give us everything money could not buy.

My pastor-husband has a sweet tooth, so I knew the chocolate chip cookies I'd just baked might disappear before I returned from running errands. To discourage him, I taped a verse on the wrapped goodies: "'Everything is permissible for me, but not everything is beneficial." - 1 Cor. 6:12. When I returned I found half the cookies gone and another verse attached: "The righteous eat to their heart's content, but the stomach of the wicked goes hungry" - Prov. 13:25.

My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said. Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?".

My worst day of vacation has always been better than my best day at work.

Of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest of these is: "It might have been".

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.